Episode 2: The one with Rachel's new pet

Monica + Rachel's Apparent: Monica + Rachel are having Breakfast. Suddenly an alarm goes off.

Rachel: Postie's here

A few letters come through the door

Rachel: Can I press the button? Please?

Monica: Ok, but let him think he's going to survive

Rachel counts to ten and presses the button. Flying knifes and Gunshots can be heard in the background. These are followed by a loud scream.

Monica: I love it when that happens

Ross + Phoebe enter with wet, red shoes.

Monica: Don't get blood on the carpet � just wait for a mo.

She goes over and gets some newspaper; Rachel picks up a letter and reads it.

Ross: Mon, how can you leave so much blood lying in the hall and the scream at anyone who comes in?

Monica: Well, first I �

Rachel breathes in sharply. They all turn to look at her.

Ross: What's wrong?

Rachel: It's Paulo, he has just sent me a 'Dear John'

Phoebe: What he doesn't even know your name? How selfish can men get??

They look at her

[Fiends Music (see episode one)]

Musical interlude�

Chandler's flat. Chandler enters, Joey is watching TV.

Chandler: Postie's dead.

Joey: Not again. Why is it always them who get all the fun? I mean how come they know it's the postman?

Chandler: Oh they don't � that's why Mr Heckles is the way he is.

Joey: You mean he isn't an alien?

Chandler: What? Who told you that?

Joey: Er� him?

Chandler: See that's what happens if they survive.

Joey: How many mistakes have they made?

Chandler: Only a few they are getting used to how often the Postal Service send new postmen.

Joey: Oh. So what killed him?

Chandler: Er� everything? Hey, I got his hat. (He puts it on)

Joey: Wow, looks like a cop's hat! If you got a gun, a badge and a blue suit then you could be a cop.

Chandler: Well I've got a shotgun, a minigun and Uzi, will they do?

Joey: No, I don't think so bu � hang on where did you get them.

Chandler: I popped into the weapons shop

Joey: But I thought you were banned from that place.

Chandler: I just stopped by there to have a little fun

Joey: Oh well. Hey lets go into Monica's and test them

Chandler: You mean wreck her furniture.

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Cool.

Chandler and Joey go into Rachel's. Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are present. The boys hide their weapons behind their backs

Phoebe: Hi Chandler, Is that a gun in you pocket or are you just please to see me.

Chandler: I don't know what you are talking about� my gun is behind my back. (He takes it and shows it to her)

Rachel sobs.

Chandler: So how's Rach taking it?

Rachel: I'm so alone. No one loves me. I need to love someone who won't leave me for another bitch.

All: Its alright, We're here, etc

Monica: Why don't you go shopping you always enjoy that.

Rachel: Ok why not. Maybe I can pop into a gun store.

Chandler: There might be a problem with that.

All: WHAT?!?

Chandler: The stores kind of er� finish business.

Monica: Oh great, now have ruined it for the rest of us.

Musical interlude�

Monica: Would you repeat that for me please?

Rachel: I got a dog.

Monica: WHAT?!?

Rachel: It's all right. He's house trained and 3 years old.

Monica: Ok how are you going to walk it?

Rachel: I thought of that. You know how we kept the postie's leg?

Monica: Y-e-a-h?

Rachel: Well I hung it off the treadmill. Now when I set it off and show it to my baby...

Monica: Baby?? It's a pitbull!

Rachel: Y'huh? Anyway he chases the leg and gets some exercise.

Monica: Slow down, Now let me get this into perspective. There is a dead leg dangling from my treadmill. I don't believe this. I bought it to get fit. When I exercise, I get hungry and now there is a juicy slab of meat hang off it. I mean have you any idea how many calories is in one of those things? And what if he gets it? I was saving it for a roast.

Rachel: Its ok, I'll just send Nibbles ok to get another one.

Monica: Ok, where is it going to 'do its thing'? And where will it sleep?

Rachel: Simple� over the balcony and on my bed... Think about it, we could fire any that stays in the balcony at ugly-naked-guy.

Monica: What about dog hairs?

Rachel: I'll clear them up

Monica: What about Mr. Heckles?

Rachel: What about him?

Monica: What if he finds out?

Rachel: Ill just show him Nibbles. He'd be too scared to do anything about it. Anything else?

Monica: Yes.

Rachel: What?

Monica: How are you going afford him?

Rachel: Right, I won't bother with a licence, or injections, Ill feed it on passers-by and ex-boyfriends, and if there are any major complications then I will kill him and eat him.

Monica: You really have thought through haven't you. Ok he can stay.

Rachel: Good because if he couldn't I would have had to kill you.

In Central Perk. Rachel, Phoebe, Monica, Chandler, Joey + Ross are present. Gunther is cleaning glasses. In the back ground there is a pitbull chewing at its lead.

Rachel: Isn't he cute?

All: No.

Rachel: Gunther, Shotgun!

(Gunther grabs a shot gun from below the desk and throws it to Rachel)

Rachel: Who wants to change their answer?

All: Yes, cute etc

(In background Nibbles gets loose and starts to chase people)

Rachel: Well, I think he may be getting old enough to breed.

(Screams)

Ross: What you going breed with it (Rachel cocks gun and points it at Ross)� er� I mean this is great.

(A fire hydrant shoots off to add to the chaos, people are running all over the place and there is blood on the street. It looks like something after a bomb attack)

Joey: I think you should look at Nibbles.

(They all turn round)

Phoebe: Ooh this is so cute� he even takes after you.

Musical Interlude�

Joey + Chandler's flat. Scream in background. Joey watching the Shopping channel selling bear traps and giving demonstrations. Chandler enters.

Chandler: Hey Joe.

Joey: Hey (he chucks a bottle to Chandler)

Chandler: Lager?

Joey: The gun shop was right next to the off licence.

Chandler: Oh. Well the bloke from the gun shop should not leave missiles lying around. Anyway look at this�(he takes a hard hat from his briefcase)�I have completed the hat collection

Joey: Wow. Did you get anyhting else?

Chandler: Yep I got a pneumatic drill

Joey: Cool.

Chandler: And I stopped at the Video store. Ross will be here soon to join in th...

Ross Enters

Ross: Did I miss anything?

Chandler: Nope

Ross: Phew, well put it on.

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Copyright � 1997 Dave Craven